Fear and Loathing in Liberty City
I hate days like this.
Days where one new title on the gaming landscape hits the market, and the world stands still while it attaches itself to you, ramming it’s ovipositor down your throat and laying it’s eggs in your chest. You can fight and struggle all you’d like; but it’s a futile effort.
The game has you now.
You’re hooked, and the only release is to play it until the end. Even your desperate attempts to free yourself from the game’s grasp are wasted as you scratch at the doorway to the world, and find that everywhere you look, the game is there. The Internet, television, the sides of buses in the streets of the deserted cities; there is no escape. Defeated, you return back to the game, knowing your only chance for parole is to continue to play until your eyes bleed. The hum of your console and the burning light of your television are your only friends in this twisted video game version of S&M. Plug in, sit down and play. Your options are limited. You bought your ticket, now take the ride.
In case you’ve been living under the proverbial rock, or have just awakened from a coma, you’re probably aware that Grand Theft Auto IV has finally hit the sweaty palms of fans everywhere. Chances are, you’re reading this article in between missions, replenishing fluids before heading back to the streets of Liberty City. However, if you’re a jaded old bastard like me, you completely abhor these moments in the gaming industry and are gritting your teeth waiting for the madness to pass.
I turned on my trusty computer this morning to catch the latest happenings in the gaming news circles, knowing full well what I would be seeing before me. Sure enough, the Internet didn’t disappoint.
Every single site was devoted to stories about, or involving, Grand Theft Auto IV.
It was almost beautiful the way that you could create fantastic geometric shapes by connecting the mentions of the game in my RSS reader. The stories on the video game sites were buzzing with reviews of the title, or things players are doing, and of course, the arguments about which version of Grand Theft Auto IV is better. The mainstream news sites were also bursting at the seams with mentions of the game. These generally didn’t share as much unadulterated fanboyism as the video game blogs, but there were plenty of stories about how parents should beware of Grand Theft Auto IV because it allows Satan to enter your children’s groins.
The mountain of information regarding this game was staggering. I didn’t know which path to take. My complete lack of interest in this title has been fairly well documented, both on Gaming Clarity and also on the Commander Tim Cast. Should I write an article that attempts to tear the game down? Perhaps a piece about how there’s probably a shortage of Mountain Dew and Doritos in every store in America due to the increased amount of “GTA Munchies”? No, that won’t work. I have no hatred of this title or its fans, I just don’t have any interest in playing it. I’m sure it’s a quality title that will be considered a genre-defining example of gaming, and act as a blueprint for all others to follow. So no, I won’t be tearing this game down for no reason other than it’s all there is to talk about.
So what do I talk about? Surely, there’s something worth writing about! What new titles are coming out that I don’t think have been getting enough attention? Have any new game trailers been released that I could post and comment on? What about one of my standard bitch sessions that I so artfully craft? An expose on why Yars Revenge is still one of the greatest games ever made? My head started to flood with ideas that I could attack with the ferocity of a cornered badger. I’ll buck the trend! They want GTA information? HA! You’ll get no such thing out of me. So, I fired up Microsoft Word and cracked my knuckles to prepare for the written onslaught the Internet was about to receive…
Then it hit me.
What am I doing? There’s a reason that the Internet is flooded with information about Grand Theft Auto IV today; it’s what people want to read. This is a blockbuster. I’m sure in a week’s time, we’ll be hearing all about how it broke retail records and caused more sick days than the plague. A quick look at my Xbox 360 friends list confirmed it; this day belongs to Grand Theft Auto IV. Feeling mildly defeated, I started typing, and this article is the result.
And that my friends is why I am gritting my teeth right now. Posting a rant about anything today would be a waste. As well written and in-depth an article about Battletoads vs. Double Dragon would be, posting it would be like trying to whisper to somebody at the Super Bowl. So enjoy yourselves, and savor every single moment of Grand Theft Auto IV. It has earned a stay of execution from Commander Tim.
If anybody is wondering what I’ll be doing, I’m going to head downstairs and brew a pot of coffee, settle down with Guardian Heroes on the Sega Saturn, and wait for this storm to pass. Take care everyone.
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Comments
Commander Tim I’ve played all the previous GTA titles. I LOVED the first two, but I never got into 3. Just not my kind of game. I gave Vice City and San Andreas a shot next, and still, just couldn’t get into them. GTA 4 looks really good, and I’ll eventually end up trying it, but based on the previous games, it’ll end up the same way.
Commander Tim @ Hawkes: And I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m now ahead of you in Pac-Man CE. 
Personally, I like the GTA series. Yes, I said it, I LIKE it. I like it because of the sandbox aspect, the ability to do what I want to do, when I want to do it.
Sure, it can be violent, very violent, but only if you choose to play that way.
The game is so hated because people often choose to do things like mow down pedestians and kill cops, but the point is that it’s something you CAN do in GTA, and CAN’T in the real world. It’s an escape from the real world, like all video games.
The most fun thing to me about GTA wasn’t the missions or the storyline, it was exploring every corner of the city just to see what was there.
Cooper Hawkes @Tim
You are?? Oh man.. now I’m gonna have to play it more.. is that not the coolest game or what?!?!
Commander Tim @ Anonymous: I 100% agree with everything you said. The game is inherently violent, but to what level is up to the player. It is a game where you are in truly in control of the experience.
My question to you is; where in my post did I strike out against the violence, or are you simply venting in general?
Jason Labinger A friend of mine bought a PS3 yesterday just for this game. Madness I tell you!
For me it’s just that the fundamental game mechanic hasn’t changed since GTA1… Steal cars, run people over, answer phones, do missions kill people, steal more cars… it’s all the same just in 3D and for me it’s suffered for the switch.
Each to their own I suppose but I went and bought a new camera rather than a game this month 
kyrian Yes, Jason, I did choose to wait until the game had come out before buying a PS3, but it was hardly that I bought it ‘just for’ this game. It’s more like “I’m not forking out a load of cash to Sony by buying a PS3 until the first game I like that doesn’t work on the PS2 comes out.” 
It’s attractive because as gaming storylines go, being able to shoot stuff, and blow stuff up is about the best it gets, so I disagree with this; “I’m sure it’s a quality title that will be considered a genre-defining example of gaming”, as clearly, just as Jason says, it isn’t. It’s just another one of a series, with “better” graphics.
Sure there’s a lot of hype and hysteria surrounding it, but it’s no great innovation as games go. For me I guess the series is more of an ‘old friend’ than any kind of innovation.
However I only played it for a while this morning until I blew my first vehicle up (incidentally by getting the one I was in to be on fire and it blowing up the first vehicle that hit it), so I may change my mind on this.
The fact that I only got to play that little of it says more about the stupid length of time to set the damn thing up, and to download the necessary updates than anything else!
I’m reminded of the intro to ‘Destroy All Humans’ right now, but I can’t remember it accurately enough to quote…
@ Tim
Nowhere, the latter option is what I was going for.
I just wanted to put out a different viewpoint towards playing the game. Most people I’d talk to about it on earlier titles would gloat about completing all of the missions, or boast about how high they could get their wanted level before dying. Whereas I would brag about finding a hidden easter egg behind a dumpster.
To each their own I suppose. I just don’t see how you could be so disinterested that you don’t even want to try the game. I guess you know your taste better than anyone but with the hype surrounding this one… I guess I’m just a sucker.